Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Friends Are Telling Me That is Only Gets Worse....

before it gets better!

What am I talking about now!?!?!?! Teenage Drama......

For the last several months, we've been having a little bit of teenage drama in the boyfriend department going on at our house.

Morgan broke up with her boyfriend back in May. It's not like they were dating or anything. Morgan's not allowed to date until she turns sixteen....which is this month! YIKES!!! We've tried to change our minds on this, but it has only caused more drama if you know what I mean. It's like when you think of your barely sixteen year old dating, it's just scary and doesn't give you a nice, warm feeling inside. Anyhow, back to the boyfriend. After a year-and-a-half relationship, Morgan decided that she didn't want to "date" the same guy all through high school. My first ridiculous thoughts were....What??? Why not???? I dated the same guy the whole time!! Then I came to my senses....yep, I dated the same jerk all through high school and then broke up with him a month or so before I graduated! As you probably figured out by now, his name was not Dirk.

Anyhow, I must be honest in stating that we were not happy with her decision. Why? Because we thought we knew him very well and thought (and still do) that he and his family were just great people. It didn't take long for God to show me (more so than Dirk) that it was time for the relationship to take a rest for whatever reasons there was. It was like He gave me this peace about the whole thing. I felt that we didn't have time nor the energy to get to know some new guy all over again. Let me tell ya, it's been very draining.

We've had lots of suggestions/comments from friends we've shared with. The one comment that really bothers me, but is LIKELY true was that we needed to get used to it because there was probably going to be several guys that she meets during high school and will date. Are you kidding me???? Is this what all the parents before us with teenage daughters were referring to? It was also suggested that we not get so close to the "boyfriend" and his family in the future. Again, are you kidding me? I still can't see just allowing her to go off with some boy we really don't know. I think I know now why God only allowed me to have just one teenage daughter at a time. Though I wouldn't change my mind in being a Mom, this is HARD work!!!!

So you know how I REALLY appreciate all of your comments/suggestions and advice, right? So, tell me, friends with teenagers, are you going through any of this? And for those of you without teenagers yet, did Mom/Dad allow you to just date and go anywhere (legal that is) when you were of their approved dating age? Also, can you also share what is/was the age you allowed your teenager to date and what age were you allowed to date? Seriously, I could really use some feedback on this one.

As always, THANKS!

33 comments:

Nicolle said...

Oh girl, I feel for you. I can't speak as far as having a teenage girl, since I have a baby boy still...but...I was that teenage girl before. I know it's got to be stressful on the parents. I still think you should get to know the boy's parents. Looking back I don't think my parents knew enough about what I was doing, and I didn't always do the right thing. I think you guys being VERY involved is the best advice I can give. I will be praying for you in this as I can tell it is very stressful to you.

Keep your chin up. You are a GREAT mom! :)

Seneca said...

Wow Daphine, Tess and I are so far away from where you are. 16 is the age that we have agreed to, but we might want to push it to 25.

Alicia said...

Daphine!!! I miss ya, sis!!!!!!

This time I have NO advice to give, but I will gladly read all the advice given to you so I can use that in my future!!!!! LOL!!

But, I think there does come to a point when we have to totally trust our kids decisions, and that they will remember what is and what is not acceptable in a "relationship." It's so hard! Oh my gosh..I don't know! But, I WILL be praying, my friend!!!!!

Stacey said...

We haven't really experienced it with our boys..almost men. One is still to shy to speak to girls. One says he doesn't want the drama. Hmmm...one of these days.

I was just talking with a friend today about her daughter. She's going through some of the same things. I know you are not alone.

licia31 said...

Ohhh, high school love. I dated the same guy through high school & wish I could've done what Morgan did. But I was "in love". I think it's probably good that she wants to take a break. Maybe she knows/feels something that you guys aren't? But if she's to end up with the same guy in the end, it will happen. She's young & has a long way to go----college, etc.

Beth E. said...

Daphine,
When our boys began dating (age 16), we encouraged group dating. They would meet at the bowling alley or movies or a friends house with a whole group of people. No pressures. No temptations with their dates. They all were together. It worked quite well.

Our oldest son has only dated one girl...the one he's dating now. They've been together over 3 years. She's a precious young woman. Their relationship is quite serious. I'm praying that God will reveal to both of them whether or not they will have a future together as husband and wife.

Our younger son has dated some different girls, but tends to still hang out with entire groups of people. We like that!

I pray constantly that God will hand pick young women of God for my boys to marry. I pray that he will place godly young women in their paths. I pray for the young women they date. I pray about this a lot!

I think it's important to know who our children are dating....to get to know them. I want to know their parents, their reputation, their friends. I don't think that's overkill...I believe that's wisdom.

Praying for your daughter and you and Dirk!

Denise said...

Praying for you dear.

He & Me + 3 said...

I don't have teenagers yet and I am so scared for that day.
When I was growing up the age was 16 years old to date and my Father always sat down with the guy before he was allowed to date me.
Then I had a curfew when on dates unless we were doing something that had a set end time and then it was allowed to be a little later.
My parents got to know the boy but not really his parents until I got serious. But break ups happen over and over again. So be prepared my friend. My hubs works in the high schools & he talks about the dating scene all the time.
I know that Morgan has a level head & loves the Lord so she will make good decisions. But as a parent you can never be too careful or too protective of your babies. By protective I mean being in the know...know what is going on. Especially the girls when it comes to dating. keep the lines of communication always open & talk about her boys that are friends enough without prying.
Just some thoughts...
Hugs
Mimi

Jennifer said...

Oh wow~~let me pull up a chair and find somewhere to sit..front row that is. We've got a freshman this year..and I need lots of advice on this.

Lee said...

I dated the same guy on and off for 3 years.
Just let her date around, but still keep her on a bit of a dating leash.
Still meet the guy, but you don't have to become close with them.

Darlene said...

Mine is only 10 so I'm just going to sit back and read all the comments!

April said...

Oh, girl...the fun is only beginning! We've had more drama in our house for the past couple of years...Brittany is 6 months away from being 18!!! She was allowed to start dating at 16...I was 15! I know, I know...what were my parents thinking? I think I begged them half crazy and they finally gave in.:)

I'm sure you remember Andrew, right? Well, he and Brittany dated for 14 very long months and I grew used to having him around. We got to know him very well, but not his parents. We'd see his mom at cross country meets on occasion, but that's about it. When they broke up, it was devastating for Brittany! Cried and cried for days on end! Soon thereafter, other boys came knocking and she went out with them, but nothing ever really developed. Her current boyfriend, Patrick, has been in the picture for about 6months or so. He's a very nice boy, just hard to get to know. Around us, he's very quite, but Brittany says he talks up a storm around her and their friends. They get along very well and he treats her respectfully. So, I guess as long as that continues, I'll be fine.

I have learned that, as a parent, the more you push your child to do things a certain way, the better chance they're going to resist and do the complete opposite. So, for the most part, I try to lay low unless I have absolutely no other option. I guide as gently as I can without crossing the line of becoming a nagging and annoying mom. You know I'll be praying for you...it's not an easy road to walk!

4 Lettre Words said...

Ahhh...I can't even imagine what that's like for MOM. I remember those days...not so fondly, as the teenage girl! :o)

I'm hoping it will be a bit easier with my boys, but you just never know.

Heather said...

wow that's a lot of drama that i have many years before i have to go through with Ella. phew! i can't give you any advice other than trust your daughter. my parents allowed me to date at 16 (one on one dating) and yes, i could pretty much go anywhere with whichever guy i wanted to date. i went through several boys but that's because i was really picky so after one date i knew whether he was a keeper or not, so my parents never worried- or atleast never let me know if they were worrying or not. they trusted me and had every reason to trust me. good luck!

Amy said...

Sounds like you have some pretty good advice already!

I don't have teenagers, but I remember when I taught school (HS kids), it was amazing to me how they functioned!! lol I don't ever remember being that way!

I was allowed to date at 15 but... it was just chaperoned dates or to public outings.

Look Beyond The Picket Fence said...

Ah, young love! Oh no young love! It is hard when the break up happens. I liked all the boys and their parents. Communication is a must. Set some ground rules. It helps to talk to other parents with teenage girls. You will be fine!
denise

Debra said...

Daphine,

What I am about to say is going to probably disqualify me from many things and many here may say this is just not possible and roll their eyes.

My husband and I don't believe in dating. Our daughter dated and it was drama drama drama.

With our son, my husbad and I prayed prayed prayed and came to this conclusion for our son. We would pray for the Lord to reveal to us and to Him who the Lord intended for him to marry one day. There would be a courtship time where we would be involved in meeting with her family and her family would be involved in meeting with ours and there would be a bonding of the families as a whole. The parents would be there to help the two young teens so they wouldn't struggle with any 'flesh' issues.

We know they have them. In a group setting they are safer in dealing with them.

We have been met with resistance from the members of our family but Josh has been on board with this as he has prayed and the Lord has revealed to him the young lady He has for him. There is no drama and no rotation of in and out of relationships.

He will save the very first of everything for this young lady and she will for him.

This is our hope and desire for our son and thus far it has worked out well. There were a few bumps in the beginning when he started playing football and we had some girls who did not respect boundaries and he became prideful in the midst of it, but he has learned how to handle the flattery better.

You wanting to be involved is a wonderful thing. It's hard work and I personally believe that's where parents go wrong...it gets tough and they get weary and just give in.

You are a wonderful Mom and I will keep you and Dirk in my prayers as you enter into these unchartered waters with your precious cargo.

Blessings to you, sweet sister.

Kristin said...

Oh my, Daphine, I am so not looking forward to all 3 of my girls being teens at the same time. I am going to be crying at your doorstep for advice when that happens! Ha!!!

But, when I was in high school, I had several "boyfriends" and went out with lots of different guys on dates and stuff like that. With all the formal dances, prom, etc., it's just hard not too, unless you have the same boyfriend the entire time. The main thing you should stress, IMO, is that she can talk to you about anything and come to you with everything. She will do what she wants, even if she has to hide it, so being there for her no matter what so that you know exactly what she's doing at all times is probably the best thing. That's how my mom was with me and I never felt I had to hide things from her.

Of course, I'm not there yet, so I might be one of those moms who locks their kids up and doesn't let them out of the house....who knows! LOL!

Michelle said...

Both of my sisters had children (plural) by the time they graduated from high school...so I had 7:00 curfew as a SENIOR in high school! No dating for me!

I do NOT recommend raising your daughters this way. As soon as I was "free" and in college, I had a great deal of trouble handling temptations. In addition, my lack of dating experience left me naive and downright stupid when it came to relating to the opposite sex.

I DO, however, recommend letting her date at 16 as you've already told her. To change the age requirement now would only injure your credibility.

I like the comments I've read so far regarding double dating / group dating. I think I'll use that one for my two boys!

My boys are have been allowed to take a friend to the mall or the movies (the extent of their "dating") until age 16 - - when the "real" dating begins.

Amazingly, my 16 year-old doesn't even want to date! Now, if I had forbidden him to date, he might have snuck out of the house by now.

You and your family are definitely in my prayers! Love you!

michele said...

I feel for you... a friend raising teenagers made the comment that sometimes during the high school years you feel like you "lose" your child for a while... but they come back! And they are especially back after high school -- if that makes any sense. I think as a highschooler I was a little boy crazy, totally distracted, wanting more time with friends than my parents really thought I needed... I bet Morgan dates several guys throughout high school and I bet they have good heads on their shoulders because you are raising her right! Good luck with everything! This has to be a tough "stage" in some ways!

Lindsay-ann said...

Hi Daphine
I have read this post and all the great comments with interest as I know I will be in your position in a few short years.
It must be so hard but I know you will make the right decision.
Hope you are having a lovely weekend.
Lindsay
x

Liz said...

Hey Daphine,

I can't contribute much to the advice thing since I'm not a parent. My parents didn't allow me to date until I was 16. My parents were strict and those rules weren't bent. I'm glad for that rule. My parents never really got involved on the meeting everybody thing. They trusted my judgment (for the most part). My ex-fiance was one that they disliked. But they kind of went with it and we ended up breaking up anyway. Sometimes I think with teenagers you have to use reverse psychology. Morgan sounds very smart. I think dating around is a good thing at her age. She should be having a good time (but safe and responsible time). Good luck with it! I know it's hard.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

My parents always had to know (or at least meet) my dates before I went out with them. They wanted them to know that there were parents backing up their daughter and that it meant something for them to take their daughter out on a date. Of course, in those days, things were a little simpler. I have no advice other than pray. You've raised your girls with good moral values, and I think the church helps there.

XO,

Sheila :-)

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Oh honey...it IS hard work. Raising a boy is a piece of cake compared to raising a girl. Drama, drama, drama ALL the time, especially surrounding boys. My Lorelai hasn't really had a true blue boyfriend yet...lots of boy "friends" and quite a few crushes that have left her shattered in the end. One boy liked her best friend instead...that one was REALLY bad. She dated another for part of the summer but when it was time for him to go back to school, he said he just wanted to be friends and not be pinned down to a long distance relationship. Again...crushed, even though she should have been thankful that he was honest and didn't lead her on. My husband and I INSIST on being involved. Boys have to come to the door and I want to know all about their families. It's harder now that she's in college and hangs out with people we don't know from places we've never been. I just have to trust that we raised her right and that God will protect her and give her good judgement. As tough as it is for our girls...I almost think it's harder for us parents. We can control things for them when they're little...the growing up part is TOUGH!

Cortney said...

I know nothing about raising teenagers but I did read a really good book that might be good for Morgan. It's called Datable. It pretty much says - don't put your whole life into the person you are dating in high school because you are pretty much guaranteed that you aren't going to marry them. Be yourself and enjoy the experience but remember that you are what is important. You could read it too.

I hope you are doing well!

Lorrie said...

Oh Daphine, We've been right where you are. We did not let our kids date before the age of 16 either. They could have the boyfriend or girlfriend over or go out in groups. The girls were not thrilled about this but verybody survived!

Our son didn't date much in high school. With our girls, we got to know all the guys and eventually their families as well. There were breakups along the way, and I learned that when your daughter breaks up, you ALL break up! It was very hard for me, because I got really attached to some of these fellows, but that is the nature of high school dating.

I think you're smart to stay involved and get to know each guy your girls bring home. Continue to pray that the Lord will give them wisdom and discernment in their dating relationships.

LisaShaw said...

Hello friend, I've missed you. Came by to love on you and please know that I said a prayer for you and your precious family.

I have an adult daughter in her twenties and a teen daughter now preparing for college in under 2 yrs. The challenges I faced with our adult daughter we have not faced with our teen daughter.

I could share a lot but I'll just say that what BethE shared from Outnumbered, is pretty much where we are coming from as parents in our home.

Stay in prayer Sis.

Blessings

Life with Kaishon said...

Phew! I just want to say I am SO thankful I don't have to go thru this for a long time : ). Wow.

I hear you about how could you let her go off with someone who you don't know very well. That would just freak me out.

I just prayed for her : ) God bless Daphine!

Tarah said...

Hey Daphine,
We just got thrown into the teenage girl stuff. All I can say is that girls are so much drama. :)

We are going to have our house be the hub of hanging out so we can really get to know everyone. PLUS, it helps that my hubby is a high school counselor and deals with teenage stuff all day. He is great at it and really seeing who kids are.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Katie said...

So scary and yes I have thought about all of this. Rob keeps saying we need to start all the rules now, I was like please. No makeup up until this day and blah blah.. Maybe he is right. It is a scary thought but all you can do is pray that you have raised her to make good choices. Unfortantly as you know she will make some not so good choices but hopefully they are small. To make you feel better I dated pretty much one guy all through high school then meet my dear husband young and married young. Here we are 10yrs later. God is with her, trust her but protect her.

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LisaShaw said...

Hoping all is well dear sister with you and your family.

Love and blessings.

Nishant said...

ess and I are so far away from where you are. 16 is the age that we have agreed to, but we might want to push it to 25.

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