Thursday, June 19, 2008

An Old Friend...

Today was bit of an awkward day for me. My emotions were all over the place.....

As my feet hit the floor this morning, I was filled with so much joy, peace and happiness. I got dressed, left for work and was ready to take on another day!

My sister called me not too long after I got into the office. She was updating me on an old friend of ours that we had worked with many years ago.

This friend, her husband, and their baby were involved in a serious car accident almost two years ago. The husband and baby almost died. By God's grace, they all lived and our friend is able to freely talk about one of the darkest and saddest days of her life.

Their lives have been changed forever. Due to many complications from the car accident, the baby and husband have undergone numerous surgeries. It appears that the baby girl (who is now three years old) is able to do most (if not all) the things a three year old can do. Unfortunately, it's been more difficult for her husband to be completely healed yet. I think that he's had five surgeries since the accident. I knew about this accident and tried to keep in touch with this friend for occasional updates on how they were doing. Unfortunately, we kind of lost touch in the last year or so.

Anyhow, my sister was recently able to talk to her through myspace and then later found out that this friend had a blogspot. I logged onto her blogspot today and was just completely taken back by the long journey they have been on since the car accident.

I spent my lunch hour reading entry after entry of what my friend and her family have gone through and my heart is just deeply saddened today. I have prayed for them several times this afternoon. I can't seem to stop thinking about them since reading so much of her blogsite.

One particular entry that she posted on June 9th cannot seem to leave my mind. I have read it multiple times and cry each time I read it. I am in awe of the faith she has, but I am in more awe of how honest and transparent she has chosen to be with us.

Read it below....

Gone and Present
This probably has too much information and you probably shouldn't read it....but as I write, I'm talking about it with God, and it all has to come out for my sanity!! Besides, I'm not private, so who cares if you read it..........but don't get all riled up and come after me with sticks and stones......these are just my feelings, taken to God and I'm entitled to them........and He will heal them as long as I take them to Him......

I'm in a place where nothing seems right anymore. I am so tired....tired of the surgeries, the hospital stays, the doctor visits, the laundry, the house work, caring for everyone, keeping a happy face, trying to be a good parent, trying to keep it all together....I'm just SO tired.I want my husband back....the man who just two years ago could run, jump, and play while leading the kids at children's church, the man who could take care of everything and keep everything straight, the man who made me laugh everyday.

Gone is the running, jumping, and playing....he's no longer capable of these things and probably never will be again....the other driver made sure of that!Gone is the laughter, although it rears its beautiful head from time to time, it is usually replaced with sharp words, impatience, pain, and exhaustion.Gone is the man who laughed at my imperfection.....he is too tired, to uncomfortable to laugh at it anymore, so he nit picks it and reprimands me for it instead.....and then feels guilty for treating me that way!Gone for now is the ability to be close.......which he needs.........which I'm terrified of now........which only adds to his impatience.......which I'm trying to rectify but am afraid of the physical repercussions it could cause him. Is it really worth it for a few minutes of "closeness" if it causes more damage?! A woman's answer to this is so much different than a man's!Gone is my trust in most friends. "Friends" I've talked to about things that are upsetting me.....things that could cause problems with others if discussed outside of that conversation between two.....things I have discussed because, if I don't, I might explode because my cup is so full......things that were discussed because I was asked about it and then my response was with my feelings, how I see the situation.........and yet still my "friends" felt comfortable sharing these things with another and causing disharmony....when all I needed was someone to listen, to understand my pain, to grieve with me.Gone is the shared church between my family and friends......I stand by helplessly and watch as one by one they go, while I watch with tears in my eyes.......even my son. And I wonder, does anyone else care? Are we all so caught up in our rules, in being the one who is right, that we cannot reach out to those who are hurting? Those who need a break from how things have been.....those whose pain does not allow them to be the perfect person everyone is trying to force them to be?! Those who see the changes that need to be made and yet their voices have been pushed out, pushed away, to the point that they see no option but to leave.....for their own peace for their own sanity? Am I the only one who understands them? The only one who is not worried about being the one who is right but is more concerned about the people and what they need? Is it God's intention for us to stand by idle, lifting ourselves up, while others around us are dropping like flies? Would He be happy with what he sees from us right now? Is all of this turmoil not causing Him more pain than it is causing even me?Gone is my ability to put on a happy face, to hold in the anger, the pain, the grief, the sadness, the hurt.....the emotions that I have so diligently tried to keep "in check".Gone is my ability to allow others to help me....I don't know why, but I'm struggling with it!_______________________________Present is my belief that God sees my pain.Present is my belief that God can and will handle it all.
Present is my belief that God will never leave me nor forsake me.Present is my belief that God has plans for my family and for me.Present is my belief that God will restore the laughter in our home....that He, and He alone will remove the stress that has been causing so much pain in each of our family members.Present is my belief that God can bring that closeness between Paul and I again....we only need to have patience.Present is my belief that God has put in place for me friends that I can trust with those things I need to talk about....friends who honestly care for me.Present is my belief that God can heal our hurting church. That He will refresh us and bring back our caring hearts. That He is reminding us now that our service is to reach others for Him and to remain in fellowship with each other and encourage each other.Present is my belief that God has a plan for my son.....that He is with my son no matter what church he attends. That He has a hold of my son's heart and is guiding him.Present is my happiness as long as my children go to church somewhere, even if it is not the place I had chosen and had hoped for them to attend.Present is my belief that God will eventually place my son where HE wants him to matter what anyone else thinks (including me).Present is my belief that God will take care of those who have already left our church.....that He will guide them to a new church home....that they will be ministered to and loved.Present is my belief that God will guard all of those feelings I am no longer able to contain. That He can keep them safe for me and guard my tongue and actions during this time that I am not able to keep it all "in check".Present is my desire to see Jesus return soon.Present is my hope in the Lord!Present is my trust that the Lord will renew my strength....that I will no longer be weary!Isaiah 40:31But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

We can all learn something from her entry posted on June 9th. I know I have!

After reading her entry, I felt guilty of the life that I am living. We all have our share of problems. But, I couldn't imagine going through what all she's gone (and is still going) through.

Though my heart feels heavy and very sad after reading her blogsite today, it has also encouraged me in so many ways as well. To be honest, I didn't feel that I needed any encouragement, but her entries will really get you thinking about things you hadn't before.

This is my first posting..and I didn't realize that I had so much to say.


Jessica & Matt said...

Wow. What an amazing woman. Way to put things into perspective. I love it when people can ne this real. It is emcouraging and insightful. Thanks for sharing.

Jennifer Raack said...

My goodness, your girls have gotten so big! How the time does fly!!

It was good to hear from you today and thanks for the "props" about my blog.